Cablevision is the Devil

Having spent most of my childhood on Long Island, I grew up hearing my father, and eventually my brother, complain about Cablevision. When I moved out on my own, I settled in Queens, a borough that is fortunately serviced by Time Warner Cable. I lived in Time Warner bliss for over ten years until I met my husband. After a year-long engagement we married. We decided to move back to the neighborhood of my childhood- a neighborhood of shopping malls, railroad crossings, endless commutes, and unfortunately, Cablevision.

 

I have to admit that I was forewarned about the evils of Cablevision. My father and brother were featured in a local newspaper because they had single-handedly written the most complaint letters about the cable company. Relatives of mine had worked for Cablevision and had told me horror stories about the management. It is a strange characteristic of human nature that we really don’t pay attention to complaints unless they apply directly to ourselves. I therefore ignored all warnings and signed up for the “Triple Play.”

 

And so it began.

 

When I first called to sign up for service, the representative asked me if I wanted to try a “free, trial package.” I declined gracefully and went on with my life, caught up with the details of every-day living. About a month later, I was reading my cable bill when I noticed a strange charge that I did not recognize. I called Cablevision and was told that it was for the special package that I had signed up for. I stated that I had never signed up for such a package.

“Oh,” the woman explained, “You agreed to the free trial package when you signed up. Because you didn’t call to have it removed, you are now being charged for it.”

I politely explained that I had never agreed to any such free service and would appreciate it if she would promptly remove it from my agreement.

“I’m sorry,” the hard-to-place accent stated, “Because you didn’t call within 30 days, you will have to keep the service for a year. Cablevision policy will not allow you to change it until then.”

I began a slow burn. “You mean to tell me that you people signed me up for a service without my knowledge, are charging me for it , and won’t allow me to take it off for a year?” I thought for a minute and added, “Who are you, the mafia?”

The woman chuckled and agreed to “make an exception” for me.

I hung up the phone a bit disturbed but satisfied with the woman’s response. Her chuckle seemed to indicate a good nature and a willingness to help out a customer. Little did I know that this laughter was actually an indication of something far more insidious. You see, my friends, Cablevision is not the mafia as I had originally thought. The woman’s cheerful little chuckle was actually the smug, self satisfied cackle of an agent from hell. Cablevision, is in fact, Satan himself.

Although I might have had some indication that I had signed up to do business with the devil, the thought was buried among other, more important concerns. I watched as my charges increased each month-sometimes by a few dollars, sometimes by more. Each time, I called and received that same helpful little chuckle. In all honesty, most of our lives are so busy that we don’t have time to pay attention to smaller details. Making a living and day to day stress usually override items like our cable bill. So, the cable situation stayed on the back burner until I decided to move. The lengthy commute from Long Island was starting to take its toll. I decided to move closer to my job and found myself, once again being forced to pay attention to those little details like cable service. My husband and I discussed which company we would use in our new home. Verizon Fios had been sending us offers for some time, and we contemplated signing up. About a week before we moved, I called Cablevision. I was then reminded of what it is to sign a contract with the devil.

I informed the customer service rep that I would be moving to Westchester. “Great,” she replied, “you can continue your service there.”

I explained that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do so. If I signed up for Verizon, I would receive an introductory package. Could Cablevision offer me the same? She explained that I would not be eligible and I therefore asked for a disconnection of my Cablevision service. “Fine,” she continued tersely, “may I have a forwarding address?”

“For what purpose?” I asked.

“To send a bill,” she answered. I pointed out that I had already been sent a bill and was up to date. I also expressed concern that Cablevision generally bills its customers a month ahead. I would gladly pay for any service that I had used, but was certainly not going to pay for an extra month.

Something in the agent from hell’s voice indicated a change. I’m not sure what it was, but I could sense something growing. It was similar to something from a horror movie, when a seemingly congenial character is stripped of their pleasant facade to reveal their true, sinister nature. I could her it in her voice. ‘Please hold for the disconnect department.” Click.

It took me a minute to realize what had happened, but when I heard the familiar beeping I realized that she had hung up on me. I was incensed and let out a series of expletives at my husband and tried to redial. Imagine my amazement as my service went out! Since I have cable, phone, and Internet, they all simultaneously were shut down.

I let out more expletives. To my horror, my husband began to laugh at me. Was he in on this too? “What’s the big deal,” he asked. “We’re leaving in a week anyway.”

“It’s the f-n point!” I hissed back, furiously trying to redial.

After about ten minutes, my service came back on. I called Cablevision furiously. A cheerful recorded voice announced, “Your approximate wait time is 20 minutes.” Plenty of time for my anger to reach a horrible boil. I tried to control it when “Dave” finally got on the line. I explained to Dave that I was moving. He asked me where and like the previous representative, asked if I would like to continue service. I saw my chance to be smart. “I would have,” I explained smugly, “if the last representative hadn’t hung up on me and coincidentally cut my service. I have decided to sign up with Verizon.” I sat back, waiting for Dave to apologize and recoil in fear at the mention of Cablevision’s fierce competitor. “I am so sorry,” he expressed. “Please hold for the disconnect department.” Click.

You guessed it. Dave hung up on me also.

My husband had been watching my exchange with Dave all along and finally couldn’t hold back his laughter. This, of course, made me even angrier. I began throwing small pieces of paper around the room.

I decided to try another tactic. The next customer service rep was met by a cooperative and serene voice. I patiently answered all of her questions and was connected, finally, to the infamous disconnect department . I arranged to have the service disconnected in a week and politely hung up. I looked at my husband smugly. “I told you they wouldn’t win.”

About three hours later, my phone service went out. The following day, my Internet went down. My husband just smiled.

I truly never realized that Cablevision was so infinitesimally evil. I had always assumed that they were a cold, bureaucratic, corporation. I had no idea that they were so hell-bent on world domination, control, and the ruination of the lives of good people.

I have heard that there are some problems with Verizon’s service. Friends who have it complain of various glitches. I however, don’t care if I have to stand in my living room with an old fashioned antenna in my hand. My days of doing business with the devil are over.